Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.