Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.