Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Are we there yet?…
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.