Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.