Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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Merry Christmas
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
What’s so funny?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?