Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
two people or more is called a problem
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m literally crying