therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
FINE, I WON’T.
He just like my cat fr
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds