A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Science memes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.