Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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