HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
sensitive skin
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.