Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking