Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.