It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
What a website
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.