[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
uncle dave has been through hell
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime