I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.