I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
excuse me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
bad news gang
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!