A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end