This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.