TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)