@WheelTod: Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.
@justabloodygame: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS