Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult