Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Sunday
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.