Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
You Might Also Like
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*