*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them