TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
the best thing i’ve ever made