Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
You Might Also Like
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give