@llvvzz: Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping:
@NicestHippo: [Crate and Barrel job interview]
"So why do you want to work here?"
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
@Book_Krazy: Jack is coming over.
"Jack from work or Jack and the..."
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
@daemonic3: We're having sweet potato fries with dinner
"Haha sweet potatoes?"
You're gonna make a dumb potato pun
"I YAM NOT!"
@Underchilde: Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.
@ThaJawn: *googles murder tips
*adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search
They won't be able to prove a thing!