My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.