Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn鈥檛 afford a car.
Her: I鈥檓 hungry. If you loved me you鈥檇 give me breakfast in bed 馃槈
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
? 馃拃
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.