Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
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