Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..