Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz