[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
You Might Also Like
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell