Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.