*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Cannot stop laughing at this
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber