[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
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My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I hope this email finds you in a well
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.