Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter