Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Lil Brain – Out of Leads