My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”