Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
You Might Also Like
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔