Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
what does he know…
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER