A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.