TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
did it work