TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Am I having a stroke?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom