[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.