You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up