@_The_Man__: I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell

@coketruck76: Me: I'm into fitness Trainer: not again M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth T: you should go M: this isn't going to "workout" T: LEAVE NOW

@NervousJr: Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren't a thing.

@FeelingEuphoric: [SEXTING] ME: tell me what you like HER: I really get off on exhibitionism ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

@omgthatspunny: Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.