@daemonic3: Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: and for your first wish? ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another GENIE: holy shit!

@VerifiedJayy: Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won't find them officer. Stop looking

@hardlyrelevant: "If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace" (from the back) He saw Creed live in 2003

@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.