@DadInUtah: Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

@DurtMcHurtt: *destroys head of lettuce* *becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

@Contwixt: I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

@CrackYouWhip: Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.