*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”