@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer

@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@bea_ker: I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@Spaziotwat: [The Second Coming] Jesus:"People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"

@EJGomez: "911? Yes I need to report an incident" "What is it mam?" "THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!" "Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia."