normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah