Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”