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@botandy: totally non-alarming text to receive from child's school
@brendohare: Help Wanted
@ThaJawn: I grew up on cartoon violence
So naturally, when I fight, it's a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
@celestinelea90: 90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
@ShockTartBionic: Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
"Did my dad make it, doctor?"
Billy, your dad's in a better place now.
[crying] "HE'S DEAD?"
Haha no, he went to Disney World.