My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Happy thanksgiving
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up