Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.