Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.