Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.